Parody of the Black Pearl
by snowflakes and ink
Summary: The title explains it. Includes priarie dogs and insect repellents.
1. Chapter 1

_I DO NOT OWN POTC! Whatever. _

_It was a meek Tuesday afternoon with dark clouds gathering above. However, it did not seem to ruin the mood of young Elizabeth Swann. _

Elizabeth: 'singing' welcome to the hotel at California! YO! UH-HUH! YO YO YO! 'Jumping around like Easter Bunny'

Gibbs: wrong song, missy

Elizabeth: yeah, right, so sulk in a corner, Mr. funny-moustache 'pouts'

Lieutenant Norrington: Good one, Elizabeth ahem, I mean, Miss Swann

Elizabeth: hello, sucker

Lieut. Norrington: Yeah, hi

Gibbs: she is singing about hotels in California, Lieutenant. Pirates haunt these waters, sir

Lieut. Norrington: Yeah yeah, whatever, should you not be on your way, Mr. Funny-moustache? 'Sniggers for no reason, maybe he is caffeine high again'

Gibbs: I AM NO FREAKNG MR. FUNNY-MOUSTACHE! 'Started stomping around and crashing all the Barbie dolls to death'

Lieut. Norrington: Wow that was random.

Pause

Lieut. Norrington: hey, did you just shout at me?

Gibbs: man you're really slow aren't you? 'Giggles'

Lieut. Norrington: OMG! How can you be rude to me? You are fired!

Elizabeth: um, so, what about pirates since Mr. Funny-moustache was so kind to bring up?

Lieut. Norrington: they are a bunch of puffer fish and elephants that go around chomping on beaver hair and scaring the shit out of young little turtles like you

Elizabeth: oooo-kay?

Lieut. Norrington: And they go around killing pet hamsters, guinea pigs, breaking Newton's law of gravity, damaging the peaceful worlds of math and science, and finally, the worst crime of all, messing up formulas for algebra. So I am gonna hang the lot of them like pigs.

Elizabeth: wow, pirates are so cool! 'Sighs'

Lieut. Norrington: I am going to be one in the next movie

Elizabeth: OMG REALLY?! 'Pounces on him' I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU!

Lieut. Norrington: well, that was unexpected 'pries Elizabeth off him'

Elizabeth: 'sulks'

_Meanwhile, as Elizabeth sulks in a corner, she saw a lone boy floating about in the water in a huge rubber ducky. Elizabeth decided that she liked the rubber ducky so she called for Lieutenant Norrington. _

Elizabeth: YO! Gonna-be pirate! There is a rubber ducky-I mean a young boy in the water!

Lieut. Norrington: OMG! Rubber Ducky over board! Haul him on board!

Elizabeth: wow, that was weird.

Lieut. Norrington: yay, thanks! Uh-huh! I am hot! Yay! I am hot! Woo-hoo! 'Started strip dancing'

Everyone: 'stop pulling Will aboard to stare at Norrington strip dance'.

Lieut. Norrington: 'in the midst of taking off his shirt' why is everyone staring at me?

Everyone: go on, continue

Lieut. Norrington: 'decided to continue with his career without getting fired and put his shirt back on'

Everyone: awwwww! 'Groans in disappointment'

Lieut. Norrington: Perverts


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_Will had being pulled on board the Dauntless. Lieut. Norrington had disappeared, probably to practice his every so disturbing stripe dance. Anyway, Young Elizabeth saw the boy and pink hearts started to erupt from her eyes. Your typical 'love at first sight' sign. _

Elizabeth: OMG! You are so hot! Hey! What's that? 'Saw the medallion and took it'

Young Will: AHHHHH! THEIF! ROBBER! PIRATE! RAPIST! GET AWAY FROM ME! YOU SICKO!

Elizabeth: chill! Dude! You are safe under my care, and you are a pirate?

Young Will: I am?

Elizabeth: you must have gotten brain damage

Young Will: 'started reciting Newton's first law in Chicken Little's version' Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Pause

Elizabeth: 'not knowing what he was trying to say so she decided to just wring it' wow, that is amazing

Will: yeah, you are too

Elizabeth: beg your pardon?

Will: YOU ARE FREAKING HOT!

Elizabeth: OMG! Thank you! Wait till daddy hears about this!

Will: I am talking to the lieutenant gonna-be-pompous-wig-guy behind you

Lieut. Norrington: yeah, he is talking about me 'apparently returning back from his stripe dancing practice'

Elizabeth: you are gay 'pukes'

Lieut. Norrington: I thought you knew that long ago? Man you are so slow

Elizabeth: oh dear, and to think that I am going to marry you

Lieut. Norrington: Are you a guy?

Elizabeth: no

Lieut. Norrington: aw man! I thought you were! I was so glad about that 'started dancing the worm'

Elizabeth: James, you are a sicko

Lieut. Norrington: I thought you knew THAT long ago too?

Elizabeth: no

Lieut. Norrington: That's too bad

Elizabeth: I am slow at things, sorry

Lieut. Norrington: I can see that

Elizabeth: And talking about-I LOVE NORRINGTON! Shit! Catchphrase!

Lieut. Norrington: 'wide eyes' YOU DO!? I LOVE NORRINGTON!! Oh my god, I sound gay

Elizabeth: You always are I LOVE NORRINGTON!

Some random sailor: 'checking on Will' Sir! He's alive! I LOVE NORRINGTON!

Lieut. Norrington: 'shivers' man that was down right creepy, everyone loves me so much

Random shark passing by the Dauntless: You are an idiot I LOVE NORRINGTON!

Random mouse on board the Dauntless: squeak squeak! I LOVE NORRINGTON!

Lieut. Norrington: I am outta here, I am gonna get raped if I stay any second longer.

Elizabeth: You go ahead, I hate gay people I LOVE NORRINGTON!

Lieut. Norrington: 'pouts' pervert I LOVE NORRINGTON!

Elizabeth: 'sniggers' you can marry yourself if you want I LOVE NORRINGTON!

Lieut. Norrington: good point, maybe I should do that I LOVE NORRINGTON!

Elizabeth: no, please don't I LOVE NORRINGTON!

Lieut. Norrington: I am I LOVE NORRINGTON!

Elizabeth: Daddy! Lieutenant Norrington is a g-

Lieut. Norrington: 'took out a monkey and wracked her unconscious' MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Elizabeth: 'recovered from unconsciousness, took out a blue elephant and started beating Norrington with it' I am going to beat you so flat that you cannot be seen

Lieut. Norrington: yeah! OUCH! Right! AHHHH!

_The two started having a monkey-elephant fight, wracking each other with the animal they had in hand. Elizabeth used so much force in her elephant that Norrington went right through the wooden floor planks of the Dauntless till he was half his original height. The other half was under ground. Finally, the fight ended when Elizabeth threw three thousand giant toenail clippers at Norrington in one shot. For revenge, Norrington dumped three million hole-punchers at Elizabeth plus thirty million flees from his monkey. _


	3. Chapter 3

_Let us skip the Elizabeth-saw-the-black-pearl-thingy-scene and go straight to the grown up version of Elizabeth Swann. Elizabeth woke up from her nightmare and walked over to her drawer, where she removed from one of the compartment the medallion she took from Will eight years ago__. _

Elizabeth: Hi! Shiny! 'Started stroking the medallion'

Papa Swann: Yo! Lizzie, can I come in?

Elizabeth: No 'quickly pulls on robe and hide the medallion down her gown' Now you can

Papa Swann: okay 'comes in' Good morning, I have a special present for you, my dear

Elizabeth: Oh no, not again 'remembers last time when her room was flooded with prairie dogs and mosquito repellent which was part of what her father called a "surprise"'

Papa Swann: No, not prairie dogs, and speaking of them, where did they went off to?

Elizabeth: I gave them to Norrington

Papa Swann: and the insect repellents?

Elizabeth: I gave all of them to Will

Papa Swann: Well, that boy's gonna be insect free for a year

Elizabeth: yeah, so what have you got for me, a hundred fleas? 'Remember the time when Norrington dumped three million fleas on her. The insect repellents just came too late'

Papa Swann: Yeah...NO! I mean no! No, I've got you a dress, see if you like it

Elizabeth: 'looks at it' no, I don't like it. Take it back

Papa Swann: Well, I would like to, but it seems that it does not fit me, does it?

Elizabeth: Go wear a corset

Papa Swann: Ha-ha, very funny, now go and put that on

_While Elizabeth had a massive strangling competition with the corset, Papa Swann was crapping around like nobody's business. _

Papa Swann: Hey, I saw the patrol guy today, and guess what? He was wearing a sparkly purple suit, gosh I like sparkly things, coffee is nice today. I met Lincoln Rhyme yesterday, and Sachs too, and that pussy cat down the alley? Yeah, it got killed by a semi-automatic K57. Hehe, and teddy bears are fuzzy, and I gotta get a Storm Arrow wheelchair soon, for my back, and I had fifty more prairie dogs to go. Geez! Those things are chewing up my wig, my clothes, and my nail polish! Gosh! And speaking of ..."

Elizabeth: You know, you never give me dresses without reason tell me what is wrong with your head today.

Papa Swann: I am bringing you to see Sweeny Todd

Elizabeth: Ha-ha, very funny

Papa Swann: actually, it was Commodore Norrington's promotion party, you know, the manwholikestostripdanceandlovespriairedogs guy?

Elizabeth: yeah, what about him?

Papa Swann: he is getting promoted

Elizabeth: To what?

Papa Swann: To commodore

Elizabeth: Oh

Pause

Elizabeth: So what?

Papa Swann: I want you to come with me to his promotion party

_Meanwhile, Will was waiting downstairs with a new, sparkly sword. He feels good. It is his day, he is smelling of insect repellent that Elizabeth had given him, he practiced weight-lifting and could finally lift 109kg of load, killed twelve flies with a single blow, and got himself a new bottle of shampoo._

Will: Hi! 'Salutes to a passing dude with no ears'

Papa Swann: 'appearing out of nowhere' hi!

Will: Yeah, I have come to deliver the new shiny sparkly sword

Papa Swann: Is it for me?

Will: No

Papa Swann: You are fired

Will: Sucks for me


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

_Ahem, back to Will. He opened the box and pulled out a long, shiny sword. Papa Swann started to drool. _

Papa Swann: OOOH! Shiny!

Will: Sorry, but are you the commodore?

Papa Swann: no

Will: Then this is not for you

Papa Swann: Screw the commodore

Will: Yeah, whatever. I made this! Yay! Go me!

Pause

Papa Swann: Uh-huh? Good for you?

Will: Ahem, it has a gold handle, a nice decoration at the back which is made by me again, and it is perfectly balanced out. Look! 'Did this flashy sword flipping thing which caused many Will fan girls to swoon'

Papa Swann: Um, nice

Will: Yeah, and speaking of nice, thank Elizabeth, I mean Miss Swann for me for the insect repellents, although they acted more like Mr. Brown repellents.

_Just then, Elizabeth came down the stairs looking very beautiful indeed. Many gibbons on the stairs whistled and winked at her. _

Elizabeth: 'ignoring the gibbons' Will! I dreamt about you last night! Do you have fleas?

Will: No, thanks to your insect repellents

Elizabeth: it's okay

_Very soon, they started looking at each other with this blissful glint in their eyes. Papa Swann was completely forgotten as Will and Elizabeth were absorbed in their own little fantasy world of love. _

After three hours…………

Papa Swann: um, Elizabeth? We should really get going

Elizabeth: awww! Goodbye Will, I wish I could stay for another second

Papa Swann: Yeah, yeah, whatever

_Elizabeth and Papa Swann drove off in a Mercedes, leaving Will standing in a cloud of dust with drool still hanging out from his mouth and a retarded look on his face. Then the gibbons knocked him on the head with a large sledge hammer and shaved his hair off, but Will did not notice, that is, until the gibbons set his clothes in flames and post an equally retarded video of him dancing the ohmygoshIamonfire-tap dance on You tube. _


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

_Meanwhile, Jack Sparrow, no, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow is sailing towards Port Royal looking very majestic indeed. He was wearing a large crown with thousands of brocades on his……um……costume, and a large black cape flapping mysteriously in the wind. He waved, showed off his muscles and fell off the sail. _

Jack: Ow! Must you put that in?

Authoress: Yeah, sucks for you

Jack: 'was about to retaliate when he, being the genius he is realized that his boat was filling up with water' must you put that in too?

Authoress: Yeah

Jack: go away

Authoress: you know, I can make you tap dance with your eyeballs and throw you in boiling jelly wearing nothing but a bikini

Jack: wow, sounds great

Authoress: 'With an evil grin' yeah, your fan girls will looooooooove it

Jack: Shut up 'picked up a bucket and started bailing water out. He noticed the skeletons' OMG! Mommy!

Authoress: you are such a shrimp. They are dead, for goodness's sake.

Jack: Oh! Heehee! 'Waves at the skeletons' Hiya! Suckers!

Skeleton: 'waves back'

Jack: OMG! MOMMY! 'Fells off the boat'

Nearby shark: Oh! Look! Shark Chow!

Jack: Must you really put that in?

Authoress: Yeah, sadly

_Somehow, Jack fought the shark and narrowly escaped death. He tried to climb in back to his boat but realized that the boat was in need of more help than him, so being a pirate; he abandoned the boat and swam back to Port Royal. As he climbed out of the water, a giant slipper by the name of Jonathan came by with a shaving brush. The slipper asked him for a shilling for no apparent reason. _

Jack: you know, you are freaking me right out. How about three shillings and we forget the name?

Jonathan: 'collects three shillings from Jack' welcome to Port Royal, Mr. and-we-forget-the-name

Jack: Shut up, your freak

_Jack began parading around the place, stealing grapes and orange pipes, completely ignorant of the new Commodore, who threatens to hang pirates like pigs. He came to another part of the port, where two dudes, Mullroy and Murtogg were having a peaceful game of go fish._

Murtogg: Oi! You idiot! What are you doing?

Jack: Huh? Are you talking to yourself?

Murtogg: 'sarcastically' Ha-ha, I forgot how to laugh

Jack: But you just did

Mullroy: this dock is off limits to civilians and dirty little rats like you, go away

Jack: Really? If I see one, I will tell you dudes immediately, now piss off, I need to steal a ship

Mullroy: No

Jack: Pretty please?

Mullroy: No, and please is not pretty

Jack: lame

Mullroy: Yeah yeah whatever

Jack: you know, my brain gave me a telegraph telling me that there is some kind of wild party up on the hill, why did you two perverted and lame spiders not invited to it?

Murtogg: Someone gotta make sure that these docks stay off limits to people like you

Jack: Yeah, sure 'saw the interceptor' Hey! That tiny little weenie thing looks…..small compared to that big guy over there, what is this, some kinda road show?

Murtogg: Oh yes…...no! I mean no! Not road show! The Dauntless is the power of the waters, yeah but no ships can match the Interceptor for speed.

Jack: no shit, but I know a ship that can overtake the Inter…Inter….Internet for speed………..the black pearl

Mullroy: Yeah right, there is no such ship, and it is called the 'Interceptor'

Murtogg: it is not real?

Mullroy: No

Murtogg: but I have seen a ship with sails! Really! 'Started break dancing to prove his point'

_Jack, being the smart bloke he is slipped away while the two dudes were arguing over the pearl, he pulled on the invisibility cloak he borrowed…no, stole from Harry Potter and darted towards the Interceptor. On his way there, he tripped, fell, and broke his nose, cracked his teeth and cracked his skull, but by the power of the authoress, he was nevertheless okay and continues his sauntering towards the ship. Meanwhile back at Hogwarts, the poor young wizard is crying over the lost of the cloak. Ahem, back the scene. _

Mullroy: Are you trying to say that any ship with a black sail and a sucker for a captain who is so not-straight that hell itself spat him right out could possibly be the Black pearl, is that what you are trying to say? Huh?

Murtogg: um……………………………ye-no

Mullroy: as I was saying, there is not REAL ships that can match the Interceptor for speed. 'Realizes that Jack is gone' OMG! The rat is gone!

Murtogg: So? There are many rats around here, go find another

Mullroy: NO! I meant that guy!

Pause

Murtogg: oh, that guy

_They spotted him dancing the robot at the helm of the Interceptor, waving his arms around and pouting at every molecule in the air. _

Mullroy: Oi! You! Get away from the wheelie-dealie thing!

Pause

Murtogg: yeah! Get away from it! What is your name!

Jack: Um, Mr. Cow-hide

Murtogg: what is your purpose here, Mr. Cow-hide?

Jack: To steal a ship, sail to Tortuga to pick up a crew, loot, rob, dance and drink my mousy guts out.

Mullroy: I meant the truth

Murtogg: Hey, I think he is telling us to truth, bum

Jack: You know what, if I am telling you guys the truth then you guys better be careful, or the truth I had told you guys may not be the truth at all, after all, if I am telling you guys the truth, why should you be careful? What I am telling you guys now are the truth since you are doubting if I am telling you the truth.

_A long pause, Mullroy and Murtogg are trying their very best to digest what Jack had said, and their brains sizzled up. Meanwhile, the ceremony had finally ended, Norrington searched for Elizabeth with a binocular and ten spy-glasses and finally found her smuggling a bottle of Champaign down the front of her dress. Deciding not to mention about the Champaign, Norrington took her out to the fort, ready to pour out the speech he had so carefully prepared the day before. However, Elizabeth looked so stunning despite the weird bottle shape lump at the front of her dress that the poor commodore forgot his speech. Instead of asking her hand in marriage, he started babbling nonsense. _

Norrington: Um, Elizabeth, you look so sexy-no, that wasn't right, I mean, you look nice

Elizabeth: Yeah, whatever, what is it that you wanted to tell me?

Norrington: Um, well, you know, this promotion has thrown me into a revolution of-shit, that was wrong. I mean, this promotion has being given to me because I begged and crie-no, sorry. Well, this promotion has gotten me into deeper trouble and….aurgh! What I meant to say was that this promotion has thrown me into sharp relief.

Elizabeth: 'completely confused about what he was trying to say' um, sorry?

Norrington: I think I deserve a kick in the as-I mean, I think I deserve marriage to a fine man….no! I mean woman. You have become a cow-in-heels-arrgh! No! I mean, you have become a fine woman, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: ooo-kay?

_Elizabeth tried to respond politely to Norrington's continuous babbling, but her corset was strangling her. The bottle of Champaign she had hidden in her corset took up more space than she had expected. Norrington, however, did not appear to notice. _

Elizabeth: I can't breath!

Norrington: Yeah, I am a bit nervous-no, I am very nervous too, but hey, thanks for the guinea pigs although they chewed a hole right through my underwear and I had to go parading around without wearing one but thanks for the many way starfish sucks I love pigs and I would be very glad if you were to give me hamsters next time since the guinea pigs were too much of a trouble to take care because they eat ten pounds of carrots every day plus three bottle of wine and three hundred plates of waffles gosh the authoress is mad to write one whole chunk of crap like that I hate men with pants and tomatoes are fruits. 'Turns around and realized that Elizabeth is gone' Elizabeth?

_Norrington saw the white foams of the place where Elizabeth had fallen. He yelled, screamed like a girl, ran around bumping into everything around him, stomped a couple of ants to death and murdered a cockroach by tramping on it. After rampaging around like an elephant for an hour, he finally decided to jump in after her to rescue Elizabeth. _

Norrington: 'started strip dancing to wild music erupted from nowhere, taking off his coat, shirt, belt, pants, under-pants, hat and every bit of clothing he wore'

Gillette: 'suddenly appearing' Commodore! Consider the consequ-Oh my apple trees! 'Stared at the commodore and started to hyperventilate'

Norrington: shut up, hold my clothes and wait here 'starts to jump off the fort'

Gillette: No! Sir! The rocks! It is by a miracle that she missed them, but we cannot loose you since you are the best of the strip-dancer in Port Royal! Gosh! I missed the dance just now! Can you do that again?

Norrington: no, you are right for the first time. Let's go down to the port!

Gillette: ' being the huge suck-up he is' Yes sir! Right away sir! What ever you say, sir!

_In his excitement to help the commodore, he accidentally drop Norrington's clothes over the fort and into the sea' _

Gillette: oopsey

Norrington: GILLETTE!


	6. Chapter 6

I do not own PoTC

Chapter 6

_Meanwhile, Jack and two suckers were having a tea party with teddy bears and Barbie dolls. Jack suddenly heard a splash and saw Elizabeth. _

Jack: 'asking Mullroy' will you be marrying her?

Mullroy: I can't fly

Jack: 'asking Murtogg' what about you?

Murtogg: I can't fly either

Jack: suckers

_He stripped off his effects and swords and stuffed them into Mullroy's mouth. _

Jack: do not eat these

_He jumped off the ship and swam towards Elizabeth. He tried to drag her to the surface but apparently her dress preferred to stay at the bottom of the sea and started dragging both of them down. As a result, Jack had to strip off Elizabeth's dress. _

Murtogg: That Mr. Cow-hide is so screwed

_Jack managed to bring Elizabeth to the surface. _

Jack: Will you two kind gentlemen please get your butts over here and help?

Murtogg: But how can out butts go there by themselves?

Pause

Jack: I don't think I want to know.

_Anyway, Murtogg and Mullroy helped Jack lay Elizabeth on the wooden planks of the port. _

Murtogg: she is not breathing

Jack: 'took out a knife and cut Murtogg's nose off' Oops, sorry 'cut Elizabeth's corset off'

Elizabeth: OMG! Happy Feet! 'looked around'

Jack: Random much

_Just then, Commodore Norrington came running down to the port dressed in Gillette's clothes. Poor Gillette had to wear a wooden barrel. _

Norrington: 'pulling out his sword and pointing at Jack' you, on your feet

Governor Swann: OMG! Elizabeth! Are you alright?

Elizabeth: Yeah, I am, thanks to your corset

Governor Swann: 'seeing the corset in Murtogg's hand, but Murtogg pointed to Jack' Skoosh him

Elizabeth: Father!

Governor Swann: What?

Elizabeth: Don't let the Commodore kill my rescuer

Norrington: I believe thanks are in order

_They shook hands and Norrington pulled Jack's sleeves up, revealing the letter P. _

Norrington: What does it stands for, is it princess? Or Piano? Or Percussion? Or pansy? Or Pervert?

Jack: Pirate

Norrington: ah! Yes! That's the one! Pirate

Pause

Norrington: Thanks for reminding me

Jack: No need to mention it, mate


	7. Chapter 7

Norrington: Gillette! Fetch me some dolls! The Authoress does not own PoTC!

Pause

Gillette: Sir, I think you meant irons

Norrington: Yeah, yeah, that's the one

_Gillette scurried off to follow the Commodore's order. _

Norrington: 'pulling Jack's sleeve further up' well, well, Jack Sparrow, is it?

Jack: actually, it is CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow

Norrington: I don't see any pineapples, captain

Jack: Well, you don't, 'cuz I ate them all

Murtogg: he said he was in the market, sir, these are his, sir 'points to Mullroy and the things in his mouth'

Norrington: Wow, you brought an accomplice along with you 'looks at Mullroy'

Jack: By the looks of it, more like a clothes hanger

Norrington: 'pulling out the pistol' no additional cockroach nor powder, a compass that points to myself 'pulls out the sword' and I half expected this to be made of paper

Jack: ha-ha, looser

Norrington: What did you just say?

Jack: I said "ha-ha, looser"

Pause

Jack: shit

Norrington: 'grabbing Jack Sparrow' you will not insult me in front of Miss Swann

Jack: Is it?

Norrington: Gillette! Where are the irons?

Gillette: Um, I ate them, sir

Pause

Norrington: I am somewhat less than amused


	8. Chapter 8

I do not own PoTC

Chapter 8

_After forcing Gillette to puke up the irons, Jack was clapped in them. However, he had other ideas. _

Jack: 'putting the irons around Elizabeth's neck' MUAHAHAHAHAH! 'Lightning flash for special effects'

Norrington: OMGELIZABETHHOLDONIAMCOMINGDONTMOVEANDLETTHISMADMANKILLYOU! 'Started dancing the worm instead'

Everyone: O.o

Norrington: I mean, err, it is gonna be okay, Lizzie 'danced the robot'

Elizabeth: Lizzie?!?!?!!

Norrington: OMG! I mean, um…….Elizabeth…Ohno! I meant Miss…Norring SORRY! I meant Miss-

Elizabeth: FYI I am being held hostage by a hot but mad pirate!

Norrington: OH YES! Of course, um, DON'T YOU DARE MOVE A MUSCLE! Oh! That didn't come out right, um, UNHAND HER! 'Started dancing the Cha cha'

Jack: You have a problem with speaking coherently?

Norrington: 'trying to act all macho' yeah, what's your problem?!?! Wanna fight??!?!

Everyone: 'paranoid'

Gillette: Um, Sir? Can we at least FOLLOW THE BLOODY SCRIP?!?!?!

Groves: Shut up Gills

Gillette: 'cursed in French' oh yeah? Pig head!

Groves: oh you little-

_Then Norrington's two favorite lieutenants began fist fighting. _

Everyone: 'even more paranoid'

Elizabeth: Okay, this parody is getting weird

Random Soldier watching the two fighting lieutenants: Hey guys, there is something called the sword, you guys can use that you know?

Groves and Gillette: Great idea! 'Started sword fighting instead'

_Then Gillette thought it would be really smart to fight Groves' sword with an oversized tuna, so he wiped out the tuna and started to fight Groves, much to everyone's amusement. _

Norrington: You know, I've got quite a handful to handle without you clowns

Elizabeth: Look, I really don't wish to interrupt this nice conversation but WILL SOMEONE BLOODY RESCUE ME?!?!?!?!?!

Jack: Okay, look, babe, I save your life you saved mine, now we are square! Toodles! 'Threw Elizabeth towards Norrington'

Norrington: 'catching Elizabeth' Best day of my life-

_Jack escapes_

Norrington: NOT! 'Threw Elizabeth towards Groves'

Groves: Hi, sweetie!

Elizabeth: 'punched Groves' JERK!

Groves: OW! D*** you B****!

Gillette: now, that's not very proper, is it, my dear Groves?

Groves: 'punched Gillette'

Gillette: OW! You son of a B****!

_They went back to sword/fish fighting_

Everyone: ooooooookay?

_Meanwhile, Jack swung his handcuffs over this rope thing and slid to the road but not before swinging a few times around this tower thing and most importantly, posed for a second. This infuriated Norrington more. _

Norrington: 'to Groves and Gillette' Get that bloody bird back by dawn-

Groves: 'being a suck up' Yessir!

Gillette: 'being an even bigger suck up' Yes sir! Right away sir! Whatever you say sir! 'Pouts at Groves'

Norrington: -or it is YOUR head I'll chop off

Groves: you know, Andrew, I am being nice to you for once, you do the job 'Runs away'

Gillette: 'snigger' whelp

Norrington: GILLETTE! DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAY!!!!! 'Blows top'

Gillette: 'whimpering' Yes sir!

_Author's note: oh, by the way, Theodore Groves was the Captain of the Dauntless in the first movie! Oh well. _


	9. Chapter 9

I do not own PoTC

Chapter 9

_Jack ran around Port Royal a hundred million times, hiding in cracks like chicken coops, pig pens, stables and even in a melon, but still, the not sooooo stupid Royal Navy managed to find him. Finally, after a year's thought, he decided to hide in the blacksmith shop. _

Jack: 'entering the shop' wow, creepy, hey, is this like some old fashion haunted house or something?

Tools: NO! GO AWAY! YOU ARE NOT WELCOMED!

Jack: such manners

Tools: We don't freaking care, we are not suppose to have lines either

Jack: whatever, any ideas as to how am I suppose to get out of these…..irons?

Tools: No idea, but we prefer you to stay cuffed

Jack: 'pouts at all of them'

Tools: Whatever

_Jack spotted Mr. Pink-no, wait, Mr. Brown asleep in a corner. _

Jack: hmm, I wonder 'pokes Mr. Brown'

Mr. Brown: ZZZZzzzZZZZZ…Hmmmmmmmm, strawberries! ZZZZzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzz

Jack: WHOA!

Mr. Brown: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Jack: 'Dance the robot'

Mr. Brown: ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Jack: THERE'S A FIRE! RUN!! 'Scrambles around'

Mr. Brown: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Jack: Hmm, guess he won't wait up no matter what

Donkey: good guess, that one

Jack: 'Takes a hammer and tried to free himself' D***! These things really hurt!

Donkey: That's because they are made of iron

Jack: Yeah, yeah, yeah

Donkey: idiot

Jack: Wait a minute, you can help me get out of these irons!

Donkey: I don't want to know how

Jack: 'Takes a hot poker out of the fireplace' Come here, donkey donkey donkey

Donkey: OMG! DON'T YOU DARE!

Jack: 'jabs donkey with poker' too late

Donkey: AAOOOOOEEEEE! 'Run for its life'

Jack: Not so fast!

Donkey: 'starts running at 1864873908275982470285meters per second'

_After like three hours, Jack managed to get himself out of the irons. _

Donkey: 'kicks Jack with hind legs'

Jack: 'flies out of the roof' #^$*&#^%&&*(^&*%&()**#%&!!!!!

_Jack went back in, and just in time, Will came back from visiting Elizabeth….and the gibbons. _

Will: 'flattening his hair' those gibbons really did some serious damage to my hair

Jack: No shit

Will: Who's that?!?

Jack: no one

Will: oh, phew

_He spotted Mr. Brown by the chair_

Will: You did not move your butt at all

_He spotted the hammer_

Will: well, you moved yours, and I wonder why

_He spotted Jack's hat_

Will: What? Christmas came early! I finally got myself a new hat! Thanks, Santa! 'Reaches out for the hat'

Jack: Back off! That's mine

Will: You're Santa?

Jack: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

_A three hours commercial featuring Norrington dancing the can-can_

Jack: ………………….hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……NO

Will: well, you certainly don't know who you are

Jack: You know, that doesn't make sense at all

Will: I never make sense

Jack: I wonder why


	10. Chapter 10

I do not own DMC

Chapter 10

_Being a dummy, Will finally realized that Jack was the pirate that threatened Elizabeth. _

Will: YOU! You are the pirate they are after

Jack: 'looks behind him' who?

Will: you!

Jack: Who?

Will: YOU!

Jack: YOU WHAT!

_The two idiots scratched their heads_

Jack: You look familiar, have I dated you before?

Will: Well, for one thing I am sure, I don't date GUYS!

Jack: You don't date girls too, do you?

Pause

Will: how do you know?

Jack: LALALALALALA, I don't, now if you please, I need to get going

Will: 'trying to be heroic' no freaking way

Jack: pretty please?

Will: no, and please is not pretty

Jack: 'points to something behind Will' LOOK! A YETI!

Will: Norrington tried that many times on me to stop me from stealing his whiskey, but that doesn't work on me anymore MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! 'Lightning flash for special effects'

Jack: Norrington? Isn't he that crazy wig hair omgIlovemyselfsomuch commodore?

Will: You know, you are right about the 'I love myself' part about him

Jack: Great, now that we have understood each other, LET ME GO!

Will: no, let's fight

Jack: Look, you are a pansy, and you are crossing blades with a pirate, do you think that's wise?

Will: I never think, let's fight!

Jack: Let me make this clearer to you, pea-brain, you are fighting with me, the greatest sword fighter in history, I even got a trophy for that, no, wait, not one, but two, wait, not two, no, THREE TROPHIES!

Will: I have no idea what you were blabbering here, but let's fight!

Jack: 'sighs' alright, I might have to mush your pea sized brain

Will: Thanks, but my brain is not even the size of a pea

Jack: WHAT?!?

Will: 'pops brain out of ear' look! It's the size of an ant! Oh look! It's dancing the chicken! 'Giggles'

Jack: 'gags' …must…..not…..look….disturbing……..gonna….puke…

Will: 'pops brain back' let's fight

Jack: 'extremely green' let's fight

_They fought around the place, Jack not concentrating at all because of the disturbing brain incident, finally, Will and Jack were fighting around this pole thingy. _

Will: you tortured my donkey!

Jack: only a little

Will: I am so gonna kill ya!

Donkey: this is getting interesting! 'Grabs popcorn'

Jack: You can kill me by showing me that brain of yours again!

Will: alright-

Jack: STOP! I WAS ONLY KIDDING!

Will: alright

Jack: 'sees swords everywhere' where did you get all these?

Will: From Santa during Christmas, and I practice with them twenty nine hours a day

Pause

Jack: And I wonder how did you do that? There's only twenty four hours a day

Will: my brain size can explain that

Pause

Jack: True, you need to get yourself a girl

Will: I only date gibbons

Pause

Jack: oooooooooooooooooooooooookay?

_They fought around the place, until Will accidentally dropped his brain somewhere_

Will: ARCK! I LOST MY BRAIN!

Jack: Big deal, there's no difference of you with your brain or without it

Will: Yeah, true


	11. Chapter 11

_Chapter 11_

_Um, okay, here goes. Jack and Will fought around the place. Will then decided to try the Matrix and jumped onto the ceiling. _

Jack: You know, you should work in the circus.

Will: What is a circle?

Jack: nothing

_Jack jumped up too_

Will: gibbons gibbons gibbons gibbons gibbons gibbons gibbons AHHHHHHH! 'Falls off the ceiling'

Jack: 'jumps down too'

Will: 'Jumps up'

Jack: 'jumps up'

Will: 'jumps down'

_After doing this repeatedly for 29365348639873867983576__times, Jack got tired_

Jack: eunuch, pick your choice, where do you want to go. UP or DOWN!

Will: I choose FRANCE!

Pause

Jack: what the-

_Anyway, they fought around the place till Will got himself cornered. _

Will: 'staring at the cannon that Jack is pointing at him' YOU CHEATED!

Jack: did not

Will: did to

Jack: Did not

Will: Did to

Jack: DID NOT!

Will: DID TO!

Jack: Liar, liar pant's on fire

Pause

Will: That's like soooooooooooooooooo----childish

Jack: look, it's nice chatting with you, but please, I need to go

Will: go where?

Jack: where the Navy's pansies can never catch me

Will: why?

Jack: 'cuz I am awesome

Pause

Will: 'decided that he should be brave' never! I will never let you go

Jack: are you always this difficult?

Will: can you make the sentence easier? I can't figure out what you just said

Jack: ............pineapples make kangaroo jumpy

Pause

Will: …I get it

Jack: somehow, it only makes sense to you

_Suddenly, someone knocked on the door_

Jack: OMG! THEY FOUND ME! HIDE ME!

Will: let me see who is at the door

Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Will: 'opens the door'

Pizza-delivery guy: Dude, I am here with your orders, Hawaiian pizza and six honey roasted wings plus diet coke

Will: oh, thanks

Jack: you drink diet coke?!?!?!?!?!

Will: Yeah, it keeps my body in shape

Jack: 'eye twitch'

_Suddenly, someone knocked on the door again_

Will: what? I did not order anything else! Hmm, who can it be?

Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Will: 'opens door'

Neo 'from the Matrix': look, give me a place to hide or something, I don't know how I got here, but there are some dudes in red chasing me around, apparently they thought that I am some sort of terrorist.

Will: Since when did my work place become a hiding place for escape convicts?

Neo: Come on! PLEASE?!?!?!

Will: fine, you stay here with pirate-boy

Jack: Eunuch, I am not fini-OMG! Keanu Reeves! 'Starts hyper-ventilating and giggling'

Neo: whatever


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

_Okay, let's see what is happening. Will fights Jack, Jack fights Will, Will gets pizzas, and Jack doesn't. Out of the blue, Neo joins the story. Meanwhile, the Navy dudes are still looking for Jack._

Groves: 'holding ontp the leash of Hulli the poodle' I wonder where ol' Jack is

Gillette: what is the poodle for?

Groves: 'eye roll' It's for tracking down Sparrow….. DUH!

Gillette: Dude, how big is this place?

Groves: Look, this is called efficiency, which you, unfortunately don't give a shit about

Gillette: I don't care, let's just get that bird back by dawn tomorrow

_In the Blacksmith's shop……_

Neo: why do men wear stockings?

Will: they are fashionable now

Jack: OMG! Did Will just used a big word?

Neo: If I have to comment...

Will: You must?

Neo:..... I would say that you are a program from the machine world

_Outside the blacksmith shop……_

Gillette: my Gillette senses are tingling; I think Sparrow is in here

Groves: Your 'Gillette' sense is BS

Gillette: no really! I think he is in there

Groves: shut up

Gillette: OH YEAH!?!! SWORD FIGHT! 'whips out over-sized tuna….again'

_Inside the blacksmith shop………_

Jack: wow, it has being over an hour, and they are still trying to find me

Will: 'staring at the buttons on Neo's costume' SHINY!

Neo: I am outta here 'opens door'

Jack: NOOOOOO!!!! CLOSE IT!!

_Unfortunately for Jack, the Navy dudes caught sight of Jack and stomped down the blacksmith shop_

Jack: I AM GOING TO REMEMBER THIS NEO!

Norrington: Well done, Mr. Brown, you have assisted me in catching an extremely perverted and dangerous pineapple

Mr. Brown: 

Norrington: oh well. Gillette, take him away, lock him in the prison-for-lamest-prisoners-on-the-earth

Gillette: YES SIR, RIGHT AWAY SIR, WHATEVER YOU SAY SIR!!! 'Pouts at Groves'

Jack: sob….Neo….sob

Norrington: 'turning to Neo' and what are you?

Neo: I am a super-awesome, super-handsome super-powered super- wait, what am I? Never mind.

Norrington: I am afraid sir, I will have to put you under arrest for wearing that cool costume

Neo: yep, my costume is cool, I mean look at yourself, you look like an ice-cream!?!?! WAIT, YOU SAID "UNDER ARREST"?!?!

Norrington: YOU SAID I LOOK LIKE AN ICE-CREAM?!!

Neo: No, the donkey said that

Norrington: you are this close to being screwed you know

Neo: I don't

Norrington: now you do. Groves, clap him in irons

Groves: YES SIR! RIGHT AWAY SIR! WHATEVER YOU SAY SIR!

Neo: You know, if you are a super hero, your name will be **super**-suck-up-don't-know-how-he-got-promoted-to-lieutenant-**man**

Groves: and you will be my side-kick, going-to-be-screwed-tomorrow-guy

Neo: Hahaha I like sick humor


End file.
